The Recruitment of Connor

My son Connor had his two month appointment on Friday. He weighted 15 pounds 1 oz. putting him in the top 4% for total weight for his age. Additionally, he was 24.5 inches long, putting him in the top 10% for height. Florida law requires that all physical information for males be sent to the major state institutions of higher learning to ensure that the deep talent pool for football talent remains in the Sunshine State by giving the coaches of said institutions first dibs. If Connor maintains pace, he will be 6' 9" and 345 lbs by his junior year of high school. Needless to say, the coaches came a running. On Sunday, we entertained the coaches of the four biggest state programs for lunch. Urban Meyer and George O'Leary look well rested after their teams posted easy wins on Saturday. Randy Shannon and Bobby Bowden seemed a little testy - given they are meeting tonight, the tension was understandable. What follows is the transcript of our discussion.




The setting: The Sorenson living room. Julie and I seated on the couch, with Connor in the middle of us. I gave each coach a folding chair on which to sit. Both Urban Meyer and Randy Shannon chose to stand behind their chairs and stare intently at Connor - sizing up his HUGE thighs. George O'Leary quietly took his seat. Bobby Bowden came in last. Connor was crying at this point. Bobby made me slide over, grabbed my son, sat him in his lap, and said "Now what's all this fussin' dadgummit?" Connor immediately quieted down. Bowden gave a knowing glance at the other three, as they all winced, knowing they ceded the first point to the grandaddy of college ball. Onto the dialogue:

Bill: Coach O'Leary. UCF has the facilities and the location, but just can't seem to catch up to the big boys. Can you tell me what steps you are taking to bring the program up to speed?

Coach O'Leary: Well Mr. Sorenson, the ACC wanted to invite us but I didn't want my offense to suffer. (O'Leary follows this with a laugh, slapping his knee, and elbowing Shannon and Meyer - neither of whom would react.)

Bill: (With a glance over to Bowden. Stands up and pulls off his shirt to reveal his Virginia Tech undershirt) GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Coach O 'Leary flees for the door, with Molly and Maggie dog nipping at his heels. As he runs out he is heard to ask "Can I put this on my resume?"

Bill: Any other comedians among us?

All three coached shake their heads no.

Bill: Very well. Now, Coach Shannon. We want to be sure Connor is given a structured environment in which he can grow to be a responsible young man. Tell me what Miami has to offer.

Coach Shannon: Well Mr. Sorenson, at the U, we take our program seriously. Our young men are brought up in the program expecting to be champions. Discipline is the key.

Bill: Could you give me some examples of past champions coach?

Coach Shannon: Well, you have Ray Lewis, Michael Irvin, Warren. Sa...ummm...KEN DORSEY! KEN DORSEY! You've never heard nothing about him!!! Oh, and the Rock went here too. Everyone likes the Rock!!! Right???

Bill: I see. Coach Meyer, you've really become THE program in a state known for football. How do you plan on maintaining this level of excellence?


Coach Meyer: Mr. Sorenson, that's a great question. We plan on maintaning our level of excellence by doing what we do now. Building a foundation of excellence on great young men like Connor coming into our program.

Bill: Is that all coach?

Coach Meyer: Well, we have done a few DNA swabs of Tebow's saliva and we are creating a small army of mini-Tebows.

Bill: Interesting. Coach Bowd...Julie, wake up the coach.

Both Coach Bowden and Connor are fast asleep on the coach. Connor is sacked out on the coach's belly. Bowden, with his brim pulled over his eyes.

Julie: Coach (tapping his shoulder) Coach.

Coach Bowden: (mumbling) Dadgum JoePa! Huh! What? Huh! Who's this kid?

Bill: Coach! Coach! That's Connor.

Coach Bowden: Oh yeah! Dadgummit I like him. Bill, you see it's like this son. These coaches over here - now they're real good - don't get me wrong. But over in Tallahassee we do thing a different way. We do it my way and my way means - there are rules, and then there are rules. You know what I mean son? And what I mean by that is there are rules. Ya see, what we do at Florida State is we get creative son - you know? That creativity is something these Play Station coaches don't know. We don't just pick plays from one of those fancy dangled computers, we make the plays. Dadgummit that's just how it is done nowadays.

Bill looks over at Meyer and Shannon with a perplexed look. Each looks back at Bill with a shoulder shrug.

Coach Bowden: Now Bill let's not make this complicated. Connor can come to Florida State - we'll take care of him real good. Now tell these nice young men over here to run along.

Bill: Coach Bowden, how long are you gonna be coaching?

Coach Bowden: As long as I want to son.

Bill: Coach Meyer, what do you have to say?

Coach Meyer: Mr. Sorenson, in Gainesville we don't consider ourselves a "program". We are a machine. A machine of champions! We like titles down there. That's just the way we do it.

Coach Shannon: Be that as it may Mr. Sorenson, down at the U we had swagger, we had the titles - more than either of these two schools over the last couple of years. Now we need young men like Connor to get back to those days. Back to the glory days of Michael Irvin, Ray Lew... KEN DORSEY! Did I mention Ken Dorsey???

Coach Meyer: Mr. Sorenson. There are other benefits to Gainesville. I don't have to tell you about Florida girls do I? (Meyer winks and looks over to Julie)

Bill: No, that's true Coach.

Coach Bowden: Girls. Girls? If that's what you want Connor we got 'em all over Tallahassee! Remember them cowgirls? They seemed like nice young ladies...



Julie: (grabbing Connor) Excuse me?

Coach Shannon: Mr. and Mrs. Sorenson, there are fine ladies down in Coral Gables. Fine upstanding women. Just let me call Michael Irvin - he said he could hook me up anytime. (starts to dial his cell)

Bill: GENTLEMEN! It isn't about the girls! It isn't about YOUR programs. It is about what you can do for Connor. Now, I know all I need to know about the football played at your schools. What really matters is academics. Now if you will all follow Mrs. Sorenson to our office, she has a few hundred questions she would like to ask.

Coach Meyer: Gosh - look at the time. The lab said it would have the first mini-Tebows ready for review this afternoon so I have to run. Don't forget...Connor is a legacy. GO GATORS!

Coach Shannon: Now, Miami is a fine academic institution. Sometimes, they even let our football players in the classes. This really isn't a concern Mrs. Sorenson. Besides, I have to get ready for the FSU game tomorrow night. Remember Ken Dorsey and GO CANES!!!

(Bowden is asleep on the couch again)

Bill: Coach Bowden? Coach?

Julie: Awww! Just leave him there.

Bill: Now can I call Beamer?

Julie: Just remember the conditions they must meet?

Bill: I know I know - STINEY MUST GO!